I don’t have a lot of time to waste today.

although I am waiting for my current landlord to swing by and pick up his last check (we are moving in two weeks) I should be up stairs putting all my art stuff into a box, all the cartoons drawn in the last 2 years, watercolor paints, palettes and brushes. The random books I started to read, used to reference or meant to get to.

The goal of setting up a my own website has been put on hold at least until the we settle into the new place. I have been thinking about the book…yet again sidelined as well, but I think my approach to it should now include my failure to respond to the Call into the Ministry some 16 years ago. I am prepared to talk about that chapter and what it means to me now.

Since resigning myself to halting work on virtually everything (except the day job of course) while we coordinate this move (we have A LOT of stuff) I have only the one desire, and that’s to put words on paper. I did doodle something a few nights ago as I left work and posted it on Instagram and Twitter…but except for that I haven’t felt any need to cartoon lately. I do however want to pick up the larger doodle art project I started a few weeks ago and continue on that. But like I said, I plan on putting all my art stuff into a couple boxes today.

I don’t plan on bible thumping anyone here or elsewhere but in the last few months I have slowly acknowledged my lack of faith at the age of 28 when I felt the call to enter the ministry. And after several years of reviewing my feelings about the Pentecostal church in general and how dogma and doctrine have no place in my faith I decided to pursue distance education for ministry credentials in the sincere goal of simply stepping out in faith…a faith I failed to demonstrate 16 years ago. What all of that may mean is not up to me. I don’t see myself planting churches in some third world country but maybe by talking about my past I may strike a chord with someone who God has also called but isn’t sure how they should respond.

Maybe my failure to reply then was part of the plan and the life I have lead until now was necessary for me to arrive at this point in my life. I have learned many things in those 16 years, dealt with cancer, job loss, death of parents, tremendous disappointments, legal matters, financial set backs and financial screw ups… we, as a family have come out on the other side but not unscathed. We have learned a few things and my Pentecostal upbringing still has a resonance in my life, I choose to filter out the prejudice and elitism I was exposed to at Valley Chapel in Clifton New Jersey, but the strains of larger truth simmer to this day.

I have strayed from what I was taught as a kid in church, we all have. But I have learned that God is patient and over the years when I have skirted rock bottom I was reminded that I never answered him and that apparently I still had time to do so. I always felt that perhaps if I had I wouldn’t right then and there be staring at rock bottom. I don’t know that for sure but, God has quietly reminded me what I had not yet done in my life. Eventually I would find a way closer to the surface from rock bottom and life would always go on… but as I did everything in my life on my own power, I found my plans and goals and aspirations would often fail when powered by me alone.

So as I approach my 45th birthday I have acknowledged the life I have lived thus far without much success, filled with mistakes, misgivings, misunderstandings, poor planning, often times poor attitude, always wanting something else for the wrong reasons, better job, more money, less stress, less problems etc, etc.

And all the while, in between all the noise, when he felt I needed it God quietly reminds me what I have not done yet. I would feel the pangs in my gut, the way I felt it on that January night in 1998.

So here begins another journey. As I sat down to blog about my cancer in 2006 and now (still) have the makings of a considerable manuscript to work from to write my so-called book (starting with 300 pages of blog posts). I now will be taking courses to investigate and educate myself on the bible and seek ministry credentials for the sake of doing something about what I have not done YET with my life “Answer the Call” I will continue to document this journey as I discover it and maybe I’ll end up with another 300 pages I can fashion into another book.

Maybe I will have to write them together as one story or apart, but at the same time. I don’t know. All I know is, my life isn’t over yet I still have a lot to do and say and while this blog was originally designed to showcase my art work… all I want to do right now is take notes as I go along and document what happens.

More on this to come.
Be well

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